I guess I have no where to rant and I’ve been feeling depressed since birth not because of taking care of my twins but it’s cos of my mil.
My hub came from a single parent family. Before I’m married, we hardly interact and when we meet, we are very polite to each other. When I got married, that’s when things started to appear. In my wedding, she did not fork out any cash as my dowry came from our joint savings account since we are financially independent. After my wedding, we still gave her back money to cover her expenses on Ang bao, food, jewelleries she bought for me and her makeup fee.
During my 3-4 years of marriage, I always stay in my room and when she started to say something I don’t like, I’ll knock my head and walk away. Before I’m pregnant, she kept asking when is she going to have grandchildren. When I got pregnant, she did not have the intention to take care and after knowing I’m having twins boy, she decided to quit her job to take care. The real drama started in July.
1) I was taken care by my mom for the past 8-9 months during my pregnancy most of the time. My mom accompanied me with most of the checkups as my hub was busy with renovation. I went home nearer to the date I’m moving to new house. It was also very near my EDD. She told me her son had been so busy with the renovation and packing the house and he was very 辛苦. Since I was said that I didn’t help out, I started moving up and down to pack things and supervise my maid to do things. I even squart and bend when I should be bed bounded. Eventually, my LOs were not developing well with not enough rest and I was admitted to hospital.
2) We intend to move house quickly as my CL and maid would not have proper environment to take care of my sons in the smoking environment at home and since she quit her job, we wanted to rent the room in her house for her extra pocket money. It was a decision both hub and I agreed. She moved in with us and I thought our relationship will be closer. We told her that if she rent the whole house, she will have to pay income tax and if she rent rooms, she will need to pay utilities bill. She chose to rent rooms and we respected her decision. However, she told others I insisted of moving out quickly and retain a room at her existing house so she can have backup plan to get out of my house and still have place to stay.
3) during my hospital stay, she was very nice to help to cook for some of my meals and assist hub in moving house. However, when she visited me, she will nag on how messy her house is and how hub was busy getting things done while she thought I was happily enjoying life in the ward. My worries went up on top of worrying my unborn LOs health with many CTGs and scans done each day but I nicely told her I’m ok if the house is not ready in time and I can stay with my mom when CL has not come. My parents also helped out in preparing babies arrival by collecting blessed items and moving baby cot.
4) After birth, she continued to cook healthy food and sent to me in the morning which I really appreciate and she told me she was also new in taking care babies after not taking care for 30yrs. With the nurses help, they taught how to bath and take care babies but when the nurse is teaching, her attitude of learning was not there (look up and down but not seeing what nurse teach) and she said old version was not like that and she wanted her way. I told her we need to learn new techniques as it’s different from past especially with the umbilical cord still intact. However she don’t seem to get it and insisted her way. That’s when my worries and anxiety came on whether she can help.
5) after we were discharged, elder LO was having jaundice and my wound was painful hence painkiller was my best friend. As CL was not around, she told us first few days, baby has to sleep with us for “bonding” purpose. I wanted my boy to be with me too so regardless how tired and exhausted I was struggling with the painkiller effect and pain, I’ll still wake up at night to pump and do night feeds. Hub did night feeds too and we ended up falling sick. She saw us having difficulties handling babies and I MADE HER SON SICK, that’s when she initiated to take care.
6) Here’s the rest of the timeline happenings
18 Jul (discharged 3rd day) – MIA whole day without telling us where she go n did not cook dinner when we sent elder to hospital for admission due to jaundice. She though we are going shopping but she also know I can’t eat outside food. she did not tell us her whereabouts and did not return until 11+pm.
19 Jul – she said “I EVEN MORE TIRED” infront of my parents after she got the time to meet friends and watch drama. Its as if I din do anything and don’t feel tired. Hub and I were doing most of the night shift.
20 Jul – she ask me to quickly clean baby face after tanning my boy so she can bath him. Then my boy was very impatient so he kept moving and crying. She saw it and was not happy so scolded vulgarities. After which, she explained she is scolding the AIR.
21 Jul – she told my untrained maiden sit on round stool with no support and let her feed my boy without close supervision and she went to nap. We let her take care of my boy overnight and I warned her my boy will not sleep at midnight so she can just ignore and let him sleep on his own. Instead, she carried him walk around the house and slept at 1am so she missed the 2am feed. Luckily hub woke up to feed.
22 Jul – my mom came over to help out. When she was cooking, my mom bathed my boy. Then I realised my maid did not on the heater so the water in tub was cold but later I saw her adding hot boiled water. When I ask her how she prepare warm water as I scared she used cold water to bath my boy and I knew my maid not the careless kind, n she shoot back “this is your own house. You should know everything”
Evening, when we brought younger one back, she told us to put both in her room and complained I was not taking care babies when I told her my plan of Hub n I take care of younger one whole maid and her take care of elder one. She did not even think properly before taking actions.
23-26 Jul – CL came and she went MIA even more often until tues I saw all her clothing were not in the room anymore and she told Hub she would be staying one night at hm… Before that, she told Hub she got intention to go back work. I got no objection but her reason for not able to take care our babies was she can’t see properly but she wanted go back to work. I really wanted her to get her rational right as her eyes were weak and should be resting at home even though she don’t want to take care of my boys. Don’t use such excuses just to go back to work. Eventually, we mutually agreed she can go back work after my sis PSLE or her operation. She told us she will help us with the expenses but we totally don’t need. Later on, she told everyone she went back to work cos we did not give her money.
27 Jul – she came home as she will be going to polyclinics wth babies for checkup. She also told hub to go back to work beforehand so he did not apply leave. Then she shocked us by telling us she’s going to start work on next Monday! Hub was angry n wanna discuss further but I stormed in n told hub “ok nvm… We settle ourselves.” She was angry and pack up and just left house when she did not think that her grandsons needed to go polyclinic the next day. I’ve apologized my straight forwardness but she was still petty and pick on everything I do. Her nasty words had hurt me so much that I just want her to get out of my life.
I do address her when I see her but don’t expect more from me. This is the minimum I can do to respect. Her demands for me to treat her like mom while she treat me like shit and keep saying nasty things will only push me further away from her. That’s not the way to gain respect. If so, LHL would have do the same and our country would not prosper.
I came to a state where I just feel like I don’t want to see her for the rest of my life so I can be sane enough to move on and take care of my boys. However, this is impossible and I’m not sure I can tolerate till when. Will things get better?
The Plus-2 Project 